I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.