News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
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He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?