Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"