To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
