Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
