That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
