I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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