And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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