my phone needs a breathalizer
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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