If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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