Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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