so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
