I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
