Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
