Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
