just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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