I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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