he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
