god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
