My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
