He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
