the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.