Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered