Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
