Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
