life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
