Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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