She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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