Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
