Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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