My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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