I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
As shirtless as possible
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
