Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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