there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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