I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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