if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
