You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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