i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
