I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
