I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Randomize
