mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
