you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
