First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
