so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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