I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
