Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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