I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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