His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
