I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
