apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
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Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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