No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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