Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
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Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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