Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
