Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
