You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
