i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
